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What's Wrong with `Growing Kids God's Way'?

Group Magazine Reprint

A popular but controversial Christian parenting program might have plunged a million kids into dangerous waters as they enter adolescence

by Ken McDuff

Trevor poked his triumphant, beaming face into my office. ``It works!'' he exclaimed.

Trevor's one-month-old boy was sleeping through the night, and he wanted me to know that the the techniques taught by Gary and Anne Marie Ezzo in their popular-but-controversial parenting program, Growing Kids God's Way (GKGW), had been successful.

But successful at what? Too often we judge a parenting style by its immediate results. What can we expect, though, when ``Ezzo-babies'' - as they're sometimes called - grow up?

GKGW and its related curriculum, Preparation for Parenting, have been taught in nearly 4,000 churches over the past 10 years. The Ezzos' organization, Growing Families International, has provided resources to 400,000 families, representing more than a million children. As the first wave of children grown ``God's way'' approach adolescence, it's a good time to evaluate the fruits of the GKGW parenting style.

GKGW methods, practiced consistently, do seem to produce ``good'' kids - they obey their parents, they're generally polite and respectful, and they're well-behaved (particularly in their parents' presence). But, as with any parenting style, there are dangers in applying GKGW's tenants without generous portions of common sense and parental affection.

Consider three potential dangers.


Danger # 1: Parents motivated by self-interest.
The GKGW philosophy is parent-centered. The Ezzos warn that too much parental attention and sacrifice makes for a child who's self-centered and ill-prepared for real life. They encourage parents to resist placing their kids at the center of family life. The child must be taught quickly that the world does not revolve around him; otherwise, they say, the child ``will develop a self-centered perception that will carry into every relationship.''

In practice, a parent-centered philosophy translates too easily into parenting goals conceived out of selfishness. Though parents (including me) don't like to admit it, we often have hidden motives behind our parenting tactics. We want to look good to our friends; we want to be unbothered by our child's activity. So, we require our children to behave in certain ways - not for their benefit, but for ours.

But God's parenting pattern is sacrificial. Author Kevin Huggins - a 20 year veteran youth leader, now a professor of Christian counseling at Philadelphia College of the Bible - reminds us in Parenting Adolescents, ``Christ's death was his profound expression of self-denial and self-sacrifice, the same elements a parent must express if he is to be relationally mature (highly involved with and responsive toward his kids)''. When parents fail to consistently respond to a child's needs so that their lifestyle can be preserved, the second danger can result.


Danger # 2: Kids who never learn to trust.
When my wife gave birth to our first child, our primary goal was to create in our daughter a sense of trust and security - a feeling that she didn't face life alone. We responded to her cries quickly and consistently, with as much wisdom as first-time parents could muster. For a season, we altered our lifestyle to accommodate her needs. We were always nearby - and we didn't fret about spoiling her or being manipulated.

According to the Ezzos, that's not God's way. Children need to learn to cope with life's difficulties, they assert, away from their parents. By practicing what the Ezzos call "attachment parenting,'' my wife and I were "fostering an emotional disability we [Gary Ezzo and Robert Bucknam, co-authors of On Becoming Babywise] call me-ism.''

But others disagree. "To an infant,'' responds Kevin Huggins, "every desire seems crucial... When these desires are not immediately fulfilled by the infant's primary caretakers, he experiences his first relational disappointment. This disappointment arouses within him a tendency to mistrust the abilities and intentions of his parents to give him what is vital for his existence... He develops his first real problem in thinking: 'If I'm going to feel safe and secure, I must do something to get my world to respond to me.' ''

As a GKGW child grows, how can she gain the approval that she desires? That leads us to the third danger.


Danger # 3: Kids who win approval by their good behavior.
GKGW promotes high parental control. Parents are encouraged to be "governors'' in their children's lives until the children develop the self-control and moral awareness that allows self-government. Certain behaviors are expected, and GKGW parents are quick to force conformity when necessary. The Ezzos contend that the Holy Spirit will eventually take over, building on those established patterns of compliant behavior. They call it ``spiritual inertia.''

Critics see little difference between what the Ezzos advocate and behaviorism - the use of negative reinforcement (spanking, hand-slapping, ``time outs,'' and so on) to bring about desired behaviors. Of course, what parent doesn't use some form of behavioristic technique? Why not? It ``works.'' Research studies reveal that firm and consistent parental control is associated with positive outcomes, especially when mixed with generous amounts of parental warmth.

But when parents withhold warmth and involvement, they can still get their kids to comply. Because the Ezzos' materials habitually prefer the word ``parenting'' to ``love,'' they leave the door open for parents to use strategies mechanically. Now what happens when these compliant but emotionally unengaged kids move into adolescence? Teenagers experience sudden and drastic changes, not only in physical appearance but also in how they perceive and relate to their world. They question what they must do to be loved and to have impact on their world. If their compliance flows from a desire to win others' approval and acceptance rather than faithfulness to Christ, the demands and struggles of adolescence can lead a young person into new, unexpected behaviors. These behaviors may take on the form of greater, even compulsive efforts to obey. But if a young person starts to believe his actions can never be good enough, he may turn to rebellious acts and defiance to signal his internal struggle.


What can you do to help a teenager whose outward compliance may not reflect a heart that's inclined toward God?

Watch for ``signal behaviors'' that indicate internal frustrations. If a teenager's strategy for winning love, security, and impact by being compliantly good fails, she may resort to ``signal behaviors'' such a compulsiveness, rule-breaking, defiant acts, or disregarding a parent's instructions. Think of it as an S.O.S. It's a time when a young person needs a friend to help her explore what's going on deep within. If she doesn't get help, destructive behaviors may follow.
Help parents reflect on their parenting styles and goals. Parents are the primary influencers of their children, even in adolescence. Too often, though, they fail to understand the struggles their children face. You can help parents reflect on the effects of their parenting style and provide insight on what their teenagers are doing, thinking, and feeling - and why. An excellent resource is Parenting Adolescents by Kevin Huggins (NavPress, 1989), also available as a small-group video series.
Help teenagers understand that only Christ can meet their need for relational fulfillment. Proverbs 19:22 reveals that ``what a man desires is unfailing love.'' Teenagers' self-sufficient strategies and behaviors are foolish attempts to gain dependable, unconditional love - a love that'll never be fully met in any human relationship, only in God's lovingkindness. When a compliant young person wonders why his compliance doesn't bring the relationship he desires, point him to the One who'll love him regardless of his failed efforts at goodness.
When kids start to see that they can't satisfy their deepest desires for love and acceptance by molding themselves to what others demand - that's when they're most open to Christ's love. Help them to talk about their heart's desires, then to find fulfillment in relationship with the living God.


By the way, my daughter, Karisa, is 15 now. She loves God and cares deeply about others, especially the underdogs of the world. Her heart is reflected in her life's goal: to be a missionary. A dad couldn't be more pleased with his daughter. Don't get me wrong - Karisa's not perfect, but neither are her parents. But God has established broad boundaries for successful parenting.

``Scripture has very few specific mandates... It provides spiritual goals of parenting, but not exact or specific how-to's.'' These words of Gary and Anne Marie Ezzo, found in the first chapter of Preparation for Parenting, should remind us that those responsible for the spiritual nurture of our youth - parents and youth workers alike - must continually evaluate and refine their methods, depending more on God's grace than their own expertise and ingenuity. That's God's way.


Ken McDuff is an associate pastor of family ministries in California. He's wrestled with the fruits of the GKGW program for seven years in his church, where the program has caused serious divisions among parents.

Group Magazine, July/August 1997, Volume 23, Number 5, pp. 39-42.

Reprinted by permission from Group Magazine, © 1997, Group Publishing, Inc., Box 481, Loveland, CO 80538.

  • Professionals Say
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  • Recent Research
  • A Mom Says

Rosemary Shy, MD , FAAP
Director, Children's Choice of Michigan Ambulatory Pediatrics
Assistant Professor of Pediatrics, Wayne State University, Children's Hospital of Michigan, Detroit, Mich

"It is dangerous to do it the way he describes," Pediatrician Dr. Rosemary Shy says of Ezzo's technique. "It puts these babies at risk for jaundice, at risk for dehydration, and at risk for failing to thrive, all of which we’ve seen." -- Wilson, Steve, "Baby Care Controversy," WXYZ-Detroit, November 14, 2004

 

Arnold Tanis, MD, FAAP
1999 recipient, John H. Whitcomb Outstanding Pediatrician Award, presented by the Florida Pediatric Society and the Florida Chapter of the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP)

"There is no scientific basis whatsoever in their philosophy....It is contrary to what nature intended.

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Watch Your Baby's Signs of Hunger

Although Babywise says to feed a hungry baby, it usually instructs parents to observe a time interval between feedings, or a certain order of events, such as only feeding the baby after she wakes up. There's another way to tell that your baby is hungry. You can watch your baby for her own signs of hunger.

The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends watching for the following early signs or cues by which your baby lets you know when she's hungry.

  • Small movements as she starts to awaken
  • Whimpering or lip-smacking
  • Pulling up arms or legs toward her middle
  • Stretching or yawning
  • Waking and looking alert
  • Putting hands toward her mouth
  • Making sucking motions
  • Moving
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Maternal use of parent led routines associated with short breastfeeding duration.

Published Feb 12, 2014
Brown A, Arnott B (2014) Breastfeeding Duration and Early Parenting Behaviour: The Importance of an Infant-Led, Responsive Style. PLoS ONE 9(2): e83893. DOI: 10.1371/journal.pone.0083893

"Results: Formula use at birth or short breastfeeding duration were significantly associated with low levels of nurturance, high levels of reported anxiety and increased maternal use of Parent-led routines . Conversely an infant-led approach characterised by responding to and following infant cues was associated with longer breastfeeding duration."

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This KET Special Report looks at the importance of social and emotional development in the first years of life, featuring experts on infant and child development in Kentucky.

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Our first child was born in the summer of 09, and I promptly began trying to apply the Babywise method. The book had been highly recommended by a distant relative, and promised structure and sanity amidst the exhaustion and upheaval I felt as a new mother. However, our baby did not respond the way the book promised he would if we followed the schedule. All my attempts to adhere to the book led to deep frustration, arguments with my husband (who knew better than to let a book dictate our newborn's schedule), feeling like a failure, and the worst--resentment of my infant. Why couldn't he sleep and eat like the book said he should be doing? The Ezzos presented their arguments as infallible.
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Babywise and Preparation for Parenting

Free downloadable parent education brochure

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Key Documentation

LIVING HOPE EVANGELICAL FELLOWSHIP:
Excommunication Statement

GRACE COMMUNITY CHURCH:
Statement about Ezzo - Materials

GRACE COMMUNITY CHURCH:
Statement about Ezzo - Character

CHRISTIAN RESEARCH INSTITUTE:
"The Cultic Characteristics of Growing Families International"
(originally titled "More than a Parenting Ministry")

CHRISTIAN RESEARCH INSTITUTE:
"GFI"
(orginally titled "A Matter of Bias?")

CHRISTIANITY TODAY:
Unprepared to Teach Parenting?

CHRISTIANITY TODAY:
Babywise Publisher Plans Contract Cancellation

AMERICAN ACADEMY of PEDIATRICS:
Media Alert